Cowboy Take Me Away (And Other Single Parent Wishes)

I was asked to be a “guest blogger”. Hmmmm. What am I passionate about (other than my Clemson Tigers!)?  My kids.  Single Parent…with Kids. There is a topic.

I became single when the boys were 5 and 8. It was a non-nasty divorce, as best we could make it. I had a 50+ hour a week job and commuted 25 miles one way. At least 6 times a year, I would be asked by married family or friends, “why don’t you date”?  “Have some fun!” Like those Single Moms on the Hallmark Channel, right? Those 30 somethings were always meeting that perfect guy who never had kids of his own and was ready to embrace a ready-made family. But in those movies, there was no “real” co-parent with shared custody who wouldn’t be thrilled with “Ready Made New Guy Dad” or who would use this to try to get the kids to come live with him. Those fairy tale love-conquers-all scenes involved ice skating, romantic canoe trips, saving some factory from closure in Christmas town. Trust me, I wasn’t spending unlimited off time skating hand in hand across a snow rimmed rink then sipping hot chocolate by a roaring fire. Oh no. I spent my nights helping with homework, mediating fights,  running to the store to buy whatever item the boys forgot they needed for tomorrow, dealing with night terrors and sleep walking, running from activity to activity, always stressed and tired, dealing with  a house and never-ending repairs, a yard, two dogs, and horses. At one point my Mom died and my Dad became part of the daily ritual of family as he was on his own for the first time in 49 years. There was just no TIME and no money and all I ever felt was guilt that I couldn’t do it all well. (Shockingly I even started dyeing my own hair to save time and money…EGHADS…lol.)

How does the Dating with Kids thing even happen in the non-Hallmark Channel real world?

1. Meet other single parents at kid oriented events. Like our weekend horse Cowboy Mounted Shooting events (look it up..it’s cool)! YES…a rugged cowboy!! There are two kinds of men in the western horse world…those who live by the Cowboy Code, love God, Country and Family..eg. MARRIED or those who DON’T live by the Cowboy  Code, spend 150% of what they make and are looking for a good woman to keep them up. NOT.
2. Meet other singles at work or at church. A wise woman once said, “Don’t Get Your Honey Where You Get Your Money” so work was out (even if someone at work would date the scary HR lady). There were six other singles at my church over 25 and under 70.... and they each paired off and got married. (Two pairs are already divorced. Whew, glad I missed out on THAT.)
3. Meet other singles by being matched online. Yet only be available to talk after 9:30 pm and have to hang up the minute someone cried, puked, walked outside in his sleep etc.  This romantic partner must be available to date every other weekend (matching up to the correct two weekends a month) and only IF there were no kid events on Saturday and IF my ex didn’t all of a sudden have to work. Yikes.
4. Drag your kids with you to any Bar “and Grill” that would allow them and troll for dates with kids in tow. Maybe when one kid is pinching his brother hard enough to draw punches, a gorgeous man would swoop in like some weird combo of Batman/Dr. Phil/and Blingy Belt Property Brother to be my Hero/Psychologist/Mr. Fix It and ask me out before social services was called.

So for more than 10 years I gave up on dating and even having close friends since I couldn’t invest in anything more than work and family.  That is what I thought and so that is what the world saw. The vibe we give off in this situation isn’t the kind that shows that we are open to love. We begin to think we are too tired, too old, too fat, too thin, too smart, too dumb, too something…to find love.  “All of the good ones are TAKEN” we whine to ourselves. And parenthood often reinforces our low opinion. Parenting is one of those jobs where you don’t always get that positive reinforcement and sometimes you start to believe that you aren’t good enough. Can you imagine this conversation with your tween? “MAAAAAoooom. Hayden HIT me. But it’s okay ‘cause I started it and I know that you will know what to do since you are the BEST MOM EVER. I Love You Mom. Thanks for all you do!“  HA.

One day, I decided to be “Open for More”. It is interesting that the moment I decided it was time to live, I learned that that my kids were not all I am and that my career doesn’t define me. I had friends. REAL lifelong friends that care about me. ME.  Sweet friends, we ARE worthy of love and we have to give of ourselves to be happy. It’s almost like Dorothy’s epiphany when she began clicking her heels in those gorgeous red sparkly pumps…it was in her all along.  We have to keep reminding ourselves and remind each other. YOU are worthy.

This guest blogger is turning the mic back over to Hope with three quotes from a really cool Coach:

“You got to be an over-believer.”

“Let the light in you shine brighter than the light on you.”

“Don’t let anyone run through your mind with dirty feet.”

Suzanna C