Grief Survival Guide
I have befriended many widows and widowers. Many others have lost parents or close
friends. In addition, a few of my
friends have lost children as well. I
have compiled the following suggestions from the hours of conversations I have
been privileged to have had with them plus a few of my own that appear to ring
true. The tone of this is purposely slightly
comical, not out of irreverence, but out of the human need for laughter and
hope. My sincere hope is that this is
helpful to someone. We teach stress
relief techniques, cooking and Lamaze yet we don’t teach grief survival. Maybe we should start.
- Yes, there are Grief Groupies and they really do mean well! People will come out of the woodwork to console you. They will bring food, hugs and canned clichés that will absolutely grate on your last nerve. It will not last long so don’t panic. And believe it or not, you will miss them slightly when they are gone.
- Now’s your chance to throw away all that crap you couldn’t toss while they were alive! Seize the moment! Do it! You can claim temporary insanity for only a brief period after loss, so don’t hesitate to take advantage of the opportunity. Honestly, selling or throwing away things does NOT mean you are purging your life of that person. Trying to live amongst the things that are tied to memories is not necessarily the healthiest option. And by all means, know up front that you will never get enough money for any of it regardless of how much you sell it for. If you feel the need to clean house, don’t hesitate. As a rule, keep all photographs, some treasured gifts and even maybe some of their favorite clothing just as a safety net for your emotions. But do not ever feel guilty about doing what you need to do.
- Get your butt to the doctor! I don’t care if you feel fine. Yes I know they will assess your mental stability and it will feel awkward. Do it anyway. Trauma is trauma. Even emotional trauma has physiological effects. Your doctor went to school for this, it is time to use that knowledge. Get a physical. The last thing you need is some problem to surface on a bad day in the future and send you back to the beginning of this process.
- Do the happy dance, laugh, crack a joke or just be goofy with reckless abandon. They’ll think you’re crazy and you’ll get more cookies! Humans are not designed for constant sorrow. Your emotions will be a roller coaster for a while because you are human, not because you are losing it. Don’t feel guilty when you feel happy. Your loved one would want you to be happy and you need to be happy. We are programmed to believe that the one that cries the most is feeling the deepest grief and that simply is completely untrue. Some of the saddest people are comedians.
- Do NOT remove your mouth filter under any circumstances! Yes I know there will be people that treated your loved one horribly that will stand and wail at the funeral like they lost their best friend. No need to call BS in the church and cause yourself to be removed and sedated. The sad truth is that the people that treated your loved one poorly have just now realized the error of their ways and are trying to soothe themselves by grieving. What they are actually doing is mourning the fact that they now realize how horrible they were and they are covering up their embarrassment with the limited skill set they possess. Take a deep breath and picture them picking their nose. You’ll survive and they’ll wonder why you are smiling!
- Do not drive by only using your rear view mirror. Vow to only glance at it. Things that were said or done, decisions that were made or things left unsaid or undone are irrelevant. If you have regrets, make sure it doesn’t happen again. You cannot do penance at this point without further damaging yourself. Instead treat every day as a new opportunity to make sure you course-correct and do it right.
- Get yourself a bouncer. Select your largest, loudest friend or relative for the job. It’ll do you both good! There will be times that you are just exhausted and simply cannot deal with something or someone. Call upon your bouncer. They will feel useful while putting their unique attributes to good use and you will feel insulated.
- Put on some prescription glasses that aren’t yours. Get a cheap pair at the drugstore, borrow some from a friend for a day or two…I don’t care if you don’t need them, put them on! Yes, the whole world will look different. At least if you put on the strange glasses you will have some tangible reason to blame for your change of perspective. Expect the change. And remember your mind is now going to see things differently too.
- Feel the burn and realize that pain is weakness leaving the body. This is a ploy to get some exercise PLUS a phrase you can hang on to when you are so sad you feel your chest is going to implode. For some reason our society wants to medicate sadness. Sadness is natural. It hurts. It is uncomfortable and as long as you realize it is expected, you might have a better chance of surviving it naturally. However, if you feel your sadness has gone on for too long, you have thoughts of suicide or it is impairing your ability to function, please repeat step 3 immediately. Exercise truly does improve mood. Believe it…do it.
- Sign your own stinking permission slip! Nobody has the right to give you permission to move on, forgive yourself from guilt, be happy, stop crying, it is alright. Give yourself permission to go to that party and have a good time. Give yourself permission to cry on a certain date or time. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself as you would another. It is amazing how many people, myself included will be totally understanding regarding someone else but they will not allow the same courtesy to themselves. You do not have to wear a black cloak for 12 months. It is NOT mandatory.
The sun will still rise.
Jean
Could have used this five years ago.... Loved it!!
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